The new Elliot Smith album -New Moon hit store shelves today. I bought it during my lunch hour and so far I'm very very pleased with what I've heard. After a long battle with alcoholism, drugs, and depression, Smith died in October 2003. This album is basically unreleased stuff he wrote and recorded between 1994 & 1997- 24 songs, 2 cds, and some of his best work ever! I can see myself spending lots of solitary hours listening to New Moon.
I've really been struggling with self discipline and self loathing lately. I've been thinking about how I'm going to have to work harder at the things I want or else I'm never going to rise above my own mediocrity. It's easy to say how I'm going to change but actually doing it is another story. It's a constant war inside my head... I can't keep myself away from me. Sometimes I really like myself and sometimes I truly hate myself.
Creatively I'm very disappointed with myself these days. I'm starting to wonder if I'm creative at all...do I have any talent? I'm artistically impotent right now. Going to see Morrissey tomorrow is just what I need... some inspiration. I've been thinking about "average joe" syndrome lately. It crosses my mind now and then. I never thought I'd be an average joe working a 9-5, 5 days a week. In my mind I think I'm special but the reality is that I haven't done anything (yet). In fact, most would consider me an underachiever.
What happen to the man I was 10 years ago? I'm older and wiser now, less likely to take risks, more self conscious, more reclusive, and... I could go on. But all that being said, I do have a lot to be thankful for. I tell myself that everyday, even though some days I don't feel that way.
Sometimes I am my own worst enemy, but that enemy is also what motivates me to rise above. I just have to win the battle (with myself) more than I lose.
"My Mother didn't breast-feed me. She said she liked me as a friend".